Fearless Fox Friday!

This week has been a struggle. It was our first week of summer and adjusting to that, but there has also has been an internal struggle. I have felt lately like I am being forced to hold my tongue. This isn't really true. I am choosing to not speak. I do this in many areas of my life. I am a peacemaker, and for the most part i hold my tongue for peace and in respect of others and their opinions. Today, I will choose to speak to one. I completely respect that not everyone's feelings will be the same, especially my siblings and mother.

Fearless Fox Friday!

Today I choose to speak about my Daddy. My dad was born in 1935, and grew up on a large ranch in the middle of California. He loved horses and wore cowboy boots. My dad had a sparkle in his eye and was easy to laugh and slow to get mad. He was vain, in my opinion, always concerned with being fit and never with a grey hair. Until maybe a year after he died I thought he had just great genes and didn't grey. With being fit, he never went to a gym. He would put me and my siblings on his shoulders and rise and sit on a chair. He was compassionate to everyone. He and my mom could cut a rug (dance), and he would always do really thoughtful things.

I knew that my dad and I had something in common, low self-esteem. I felt like he felt like he could be doing so much more with his job. I knew he loved me and my siblings and mom very much. I knew he had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

What I didn't know, and never considered in my 15 year old brain, was that he would and did commit suicide.

The man who saw me, loved me unconditionally, and always made everything better was gone in an instant. I felt abandoned and alone and wanted to join him. These are still feelings that I combat on a regular basis. The world would never be the same.

It's been 22 1/2 years since and I am still affected everyday by his choice. Most days I choose to be positive. Over the years I have been angry, sad, and grateful, sometimes all at once. On this Father's day eve I look back, and ask myself what lessons did I learn.

1. You must love yourself first, or you will lose yourself.
2. Love is real.
3. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true.
4. Thoughts are real and lead to real action. Be careful when the bad thoughts come. Don't let them take away your happiness. 
5. See each day as a Great Day!
6. Love your family unconditionally.
7. Be thoughtful of each other.
8. Laugh.
9. Work hard at whatever you do.
10. Ask for support from the people you love and trust.